it's okay, subconscious

My subconscious doesn't want to admit that I will be leaving home and family for a year and a half. It's different than anything I've done before (except maybe leaving for college--it's kinda like that). I'm scared because I'm not sure how well I'll get a hang of the language, having never spoken one before except for the few phrases I learned in German in high school. But I'm also excited to get out into the field, to see Toronto and meet all sorts of people. I can't wait to meet my mission president. I talked to him this last week on the phone and he seems amazing. I know he and his wife are waiting excitedly for me to come with open arms.

About my subconscious--I found today that my mind is trying really hard to not think about my leaving, about the people I'll miss and the things and events I'll miss. I find myself not wanting anyone to cry because they will miss me. I just want to move forward and get started and not have to say goodbye. I even had a hard time listening to the musical number in sacrament meeting today because I didn't want anyone to focus on the fact that I am leaving. I kept thinking, this meeting isn't for me! I don't want it to be about me and my leaving!

But now I realize that I need to humble myself a little. That number and the little luncheon was more for other people than for me. It's a chance to get a little closure for that year and a half. (man, I feel like I'm talking about death! ha) I realize that when I send others off, I like to have that chance to say bye one last time, to see them one last time before they leave. Because who knows when the next time you see them will come around. That's how all my friends and family feel to a degree. So I should be grateful for their support and that they will miss me at all and strive to make them proud.

It's okay, subconscious. I am leaving and I will miss my family and friends. It's okay to cry, to feel a little homesick. Just don't forget why you're going out there. Don't forget that you need to be out there and that God wants you there. Go. Have a wonderful time! Meet new people. Make new friends. Experience new places and cultures and ideas and language. It's okay if you're not perfect. Just be yourself. :)