it's okay, subconscious

My subconscious doesn't want to admit that I will be leaving home and family for a year and a half. It's different than anything I've done before (except maybe leaving for college--it's kinda like that). I'm scared because I'm not sure how well I'll get a hang of the language, having never spoken one before except for the few phrases I learned in German in high school. But I'm also excited to get out into the field, to see Toronto and meet all sorts of people. I can't wait to meet my mission president. I talked to him this last week on the phone and he seems amazing. I know he and his wife are waiting excitedly for me to come with open arms.

About my subconscious--I found today that my mind is trying really hard to not think about my leaving, about the people I'll miss and the things and events I'll miss. I find myself not wanting anyone to cry because they will miss me. I just want to move forward and get started and not have to say goodbye. I even had a hard time listening to the musical number in sacrament meeting today because I didn't want anyone to focus on the fact that I am leaving. I kept thinking, this meeting isn't for me! I don't want it to be about me and my leaving!

But now I realize that I need to humble myself a little. That number and the little luncheon was more for other people than for me. It's a chance to get a little closure for that year and a half. (man, I feel like I'm talking about death! ha) I realize that when I send others off, I like to have that chance to say bye one last time, to see them one last time before they leave. Because who knows when the next time you see them will come around. That's how all my friends and family feel to a degree. So I should be grateful for their support and that they will miss me at all and strive to make them proud.

It's okay, subconscious. I am leaving and I will miss my family and friends. It's okay to cry, to feel a little homesick. Just don't forget why you're going out there. Don't forget that you need to be out there and that God wants you there. Go. Have a wonderful time! Meet new people. Make new friends. Experience new places and cultures and ideas and language. It's okay if you're not perfect. Just be yourself. :)

mission addresses

If you wish to write to me here are my addresses:

MTC (Aug 17th to mid-Oct.)

Sister Rebekah Ruth Cottam
Canada Toronto Mission
Provo Missionary Training Center
2005 N 900 E
Provo, UT 84604
United States

Mission Home (mid-Oct. to Feb or Mar of 2013)

Sister Rebekah Ruth Cottam
Canada Toronto Mission
197 County Court Blvd Ste 203
Brampton, ON L6W 4P6
Canada

Am I Committed?

I think I have a commitment issue, and I think it ties in with procrastination. Too often I set a goal and then do it when I feel like it or just for a few days until I fizzle out.

One example is exercising. Too often I just don't do it. I don't get up in time or I say I'm tired or just find other things to do. I do the same thing with just going to bed and getting up by a specific time. I get distracted at night then realize the time. Then in the morning I have a hard time getting up, seeing as I have no where to go right away and it feels good to just sleep.

All too often this is a pattern in my life. I start reading a book and say I'll finish it by this time but only read it every so often. I think to myself, the dishes need doing, then go do something else that is much less productive. But this pattern must end.

Pres. Uchtdorf said in this month's Ensign, "Those who are only sort of committed may expect to only sort of receive the blessings of testimony, joy, and peace. The windows of heaven might only be sort of open to them. Wouldn’t it be foolish to think, 'I’ll commit myself 50 percent now, but when Christ appears at the Second Coming, I’ll commit myself 100 percent'?"

I can't get by on good intentions. I must leap off the cliff rather than stand at the edge. I need to stop retreating into a shell of apathy and comfort.

"So wake up and do something more than dream of your mansion above; doing good is a pleasure, a joy beyond measure..."

As Pres. Uchtdorf declares, action is the key. I have a mission to prepare for and after that, a career. So I need to stop debating over whether to do those little things that lead to the great and just do it.

"In some way, each of us stands at a decision point overlooking the water. It is my prayer that we will have faith, move forward, face our fears and doubts with courage, and say to ourselves, 'I’m committed!'"

I don't want to get to the judgement bar with a pocket full of good intentions. I'd much rather get there with a bucket full of climbed hills and mountains.

After all, "if you pile up enough tomorrows, all you get is a bunch of empty yesterdays."

Called to Serve

I have been called to serve in the Canada Toronto Mission and I will be speaking Spanish. I'm excited and scared. It's a big step into a new world where all I do every day is think about, read about, study about, and teach about the gospel of Jesus Christ. I look forward to the growth I know I will experience, but I hope I'm up to the challenge. I have to remember, however, that with God, all things are possible and another scripture gives me comfort: D&C 84:88-89

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hears, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

"Whoso receiveth you receiveth me...."

I know that this call comes from the Lord and I am humbled that He sees so much potential in me. I pray that I can live up to that potential, and I am determined to do so.

The Greatest Gift

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write today, but I want to express some of the feelings I've had this season.

I've been watching some TV since I got home thanks to the lack of homework (yay!) and the commercials sicken me. All these things to buy and deals to not miss out on! Most take away from the real meaning of Christmas, they use the parts of Christmas carols that don't matter and so on.

But Christmas, as the Grinch says, doesn't come from a store.

This last week I've had the opportunity to do a lot of baking and decorating. And I've done my share of shopping, but I learned to have a different perspective than usual. This year I have reveled more in the memories of years past and have focused on the real reason for the season: the birth of the Savior.

There is an ornament on the Christmas tree that I love dearly. It is a wooden star with the nativity scene carved into it. When I first looked into it, I couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be, but then my eyes focused and I saw it. Every time I look at it I see what is carved there and it refocuses my mind to Christ.

He is the greatest gift we have ever been given. Without Him, we there would be no reason to celebrate. What greater gift could the Father have given us then His son who would perform His ministry and then experience the atonement. Through His sacrifice He reaches out to us with His redemptive power and His enabling power. He redeems us from sin and enables us to obtain eternal life! There is no greater gift.

Sure, it's nice to receive new gadgets and toys, clothes and shoes, but these things are not as important as the gift of Jesus. I have felt this season a sense of gratitude for His sacrifice and a desire to yield my heart to Him. The number of gifts or the type of gifts I receive have taken second place. I am so grateful for this perspective, for I feel more charity in my heart and this season has been much more meaningful than in the past.

You hear many stories of people's most meaningful Christmases. They are the ones when there are few presents but great happiness. I suppose I've never really experienced one of these but I'm glad to have found the right perspective in spite of it. I just wish I'd done more to be giving to others. . .

But there's still time. And there are still cookies to hand out and encouragement to give and service to my family and friends. This time is a time for giving and reflection and hope. It is my hope that you all will have a very merry Christmas and that the spirit will last beyond the single day.

Thanks for all you do.
Merry Christmas

You...

For a good friend of mine:

You...

You are of infinite worth.
Your grades are good enough.
Your spirit is bright and beautiful.
You are loving.
You are kind.
You are a good friend.
You have much to say.
You have faith enough.
You have trust enough.
You can achieve your goals.
You can succeed.
You may not know now, but you will.

Remember who you are. Remember whose you are. Remember that you are loved more deeply than you realize.

I love you my dear friend. Please don't disappear from my life.

Our True Identity

We are all of great worth to our Heavenly Father, and though we may feel unworthy, our worth never diminishes, never changes. He does not compare us to the brilliant pianist or the super model but sees the divine potential that is within us. He loves you; you are a son or daughter of God!

Consider this story: A young piano student's mother, wishing to encourage him, “bought tickets for a performance of the great Polish pianist, Paderewski. The night of the concert arrived and the mother and son found their seats near the front of the concert hall. While the mother visited with friends, the boy slipped quietly away.

“Suddenly, it was time for the performance to begin and a single spotlight cut through the darkness of the concert hall to illuminate the grand piano on stage. Only then did the audience notice the little boy on the bench, innocently picking out ‘Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.’

“His mother gasped, but before she could move, Paderewski appeared on stage and quickly moved to the keyboard. He whispered to the boy, ‘Don’t quit. Keep playing.’ And then, leaning over, the master reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass part. Soon his right arm reached around the other side, encircling the child, to add a running obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice held the crowd mesmerized.

“In our lives, unpolished though we may be, it is the Master who surrounds us and whispers in our ear, time and time again, ‘Don’t quit. Keep playing.’ And as we do, He augments and supplements until a work of amazing beauty is created. He is right there with all of us, telling us over and over, ‘Keep playing.’” (As quoted by James E. Faust, Oct. 1999 General Conference, General Releif Society Session.)

Never forget your true identity. Never forget your divine worth.